.: Jokes & Quotes

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so
God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”

Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He
said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will
always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of
them. “She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit
she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a
headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg!”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

Adam is talking to God and says:
"Thank you for putting Eve on earth for me, please tell me why you made her skin so smooth"

God: "So that you will want to hold her against you always"

Adam: "Ah, and please tell me why you made her smell so nice?"

God: "So that you will always be drawn near to her"

Adam: "I see, I really appreciate that and don't mean to seem ungrateful but why did you make her so stupid"

God: "So that she would love you!"

A member of congress was walking down the streets of Washington late in the night. He was surrounded by muggers and asked to give all the money.
The congress member, "I am one of the members of congress".
The muggers say , "Sorry boss!".

"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder."

Did you hear what happened to the politician who took viagra?
He grew taller...
 A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

Man to doctor:
Hey Doc, I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat?'

Doctor says: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'

'Is it common?' the man asked. 

Doctor replied: 'It's not unusual'

Husband banned from Target

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


 ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' 

A seal walks into a club...